Difference of Opinion

Every Time You Go Away

I’ve been drawing pictures for work again.

They’re very logo-centric illustrations, though, and I’ve been keeping the name of my employer off of my blog in case the organization is not especially thrilled to be represented by this advanced level of neurosis. For literary purposes, then, let’s all assume that I work for that renowned charity, the Yellow Circle.

We’re throwing a potluck at my office later this week, and the party announcements called for a certain amount of fanfare.

Everyone is a little emotionally conflicted, though, because the event is a going-away party for four likable people all at the same time.

In addition to general motivational efforts (“Sign up to bring hotdogs or we will be stuck with just salsa and cake!”), I’m also in charge of signage for the event itself. There’s a standard, thoughtful banner, of course…

…but I felt like the occasion called for some graphics as well. It turns out that “We are sorry to see you go but really hope you all enjoy your new jobs in four completely different locations and industries!” is not a very tidy sentiment to illustrate, so I went with something a little simpler:

Unfortunately, I forgot to pick up my Mournful Circle from the printer tray until the next morning. That’s when I found Emmet carrying it around the office and making sure that he didn’t need to stage a workplace intervention.

After that, I decided to go in a different direction for the party decor:

Everyone had better watch out, though. The next person who throws away recyclable paper is going to meet up with Mournful Circle.

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P.S. I just noticed that this is my 100th post. This one is already written and drawn, though, so instead of publishing any landmark-related material, I’m planning to celebrate by myself with 100 Oreos.

SOPA

Congress is working on legislation to stop online piracy, which is a good goal for people trying to protect intellectual property on the internet. However, the bills in the works invite abuses that would enable censorship and cripple free speech, which is a bad thing for people trying to protect intellectual freedom on the internet.

The Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) and PROTECT IP Act (PIPA) are bills written with vague language that would give corporations and government the power to shut down websites over accusations of copyright infringement, even if the site could never be held liable for infringement in court. This is bad news for all your Justin Bieber cover videos and Garfield/Legolas crossover fanfiction.

You can find out more about SOPA through Wikipedia, which is, by the way, blacked out today in protest of SOPA and PIPA. Their page includes more detailed information about these bills, what they could mean for the future of the free internet, and what you can do about it.

Promises, Promises

For part of last week and most of the weekend, I was unable to draw or type with my right hand. I decided not to spend that time producing an array of these:

You’re welcome.

Anyway, now that I have my manual dexterity back, I’m using all of it to move to a new apartment this week. Rarely has such creative power been focused on which spatula to pack first.

Provided that we get the internet connected in short order, I should be back next week for the story of what happened to my arm, or “How I Keep Injuring Myself in Progressively Lamer Ways.”

It's My Party

By the time most of you are reading this, it’s already my birthday. Actually, it’s probably months past my birthday and you are delving into my archives because I’ve become an overnight viral sensation whose every word is like platinum honey from the petals of a fragrant orchid.

I’m turning 25, which I plan to celebrate by exercising my new legal ability to rent a car. This age—which also entitles me to run for the House of Representatives—is pretty much the last of the privilege-granting birthdays until I turn 50 and get to join my local senior center (Light Yoga Thursdays, anyone?). I don’t really intend to become a senator (30) or run for president (35), so it’s going to be a long, arid stretch to 50 without earning any further practical, age-based rights.

As you may have divined, I’m also celebrating by not writing a real post this week—you know, the kind that requires effort. Instead, I’m going on a short vacation (see above, re: car). There will be hippies, though, so this basically guarantees a topic for next week.

Also, I plan to eat one of these:

(I think this picture is from Steak ’n Shake, but the sundae of my dreams comes from the 66 Diner here in Albuquerque.)

There’s no better birthday present than a stepping stone on the journey toward diabetes.

Anyway, if you’re looking for something funny this week, I strongly recommend the following video, which is (SPOILER ALERT) not related to the rest of this post.

Twitter: A Friend?

So, I'm on Twitter now.

This is good news if you need Clarafication more often than I provide it in long form, because every couple of days I suddenly remember about Twitter, and it's way easier to write 140 characters.

It is also bad news because I am not particularly edifying in this format, but I have access to it really frequently. You run a very real risk of getting up-to-the-minute insight into my ice cream preferences.

Anyway, it's @LetMeClarafy. Consider yourselves warned.

I Am the Internet's Leading Expert on Voldemort Syphilis

If you pay an inordinate amount of attention to my sidebar, you may have noticed that I enabled ads on this site. I’m pretty sure this does not count as “selling out,” because I think you actually have to make any money to do that.

Mostly I was interested to see what ads Google would deem appropriate for my content. So far it’s been pretty disappointing—a little coffee, a lot of exterminators, and some totally legit online psychology classes. Then again, I guess ice cream isn’t a major player in the online marketplace.

Much more satisfying is my StatCounter account, which tracks my site visits and gives me the tools I need to become a creepy cyber-stalker. My favorite feature is Keyword Analysis, which lets me see what search terms have led people to this blog.

On the one hand, it’s exciting that people actually find me via search engines. On the other hand, I’m a little concerned about some of the phrases that lead to me.

In the above case, it’s not really the phrase that worries me so much as the URGENCY expressed. The next one, meanwhile, is less disturbing and more pitiful:

This keyword feature let me discover that I am the go-to source for information on He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named’s unsafe sex practices.

That’s right: Google “voldemort syphilis,” and my page comes up as the first result. Now I can rest assured that I’ve made a meaningful contribution to society.

While you’re at it, I’m also uniquely qualified to answer your questions on canned pasta impurities and the odds of making it through the night undigested.

Apparently I can provide expertise for other Dark Lord-related needs as well, though other sites have beaten me to the top slot.

Feel free to call on me for snot questions, too.

Then we have the topics where I’m glad that someone else has been selected champion.

These results are also the reason behind my incriminating Google search history for this evening, left over from trying to find out if I’m the top match. You all are my witnesses for when Big Brother stops by with a few questions about my surfing habits.

P.S. It appears that a good third of my search engine traffic comes from people who are promptly disappointed that I’m not providing an encyclopedic My Little Pony database, and another 40% is from the time I titled a post with an insanely popular Charlie Sheen quotation. I didn’t piggyback off of Charlie’s tailspin on purpose, but if I do sell out in the future, this is the form it will take.

Special Bonus Anniversary Double Post Spectacular!

Now that it’s technically May 10th because I still haven’t gone to bed yet, Clarafication is officially a year old!

Many thanks to everybody who’s been reading during that time. For those of you who have come on board recently, here’s a special look back to my humble early days…

…when I was just a girl with some free time and the face of a newt. I’m really glad my elbows have filled in since then—it makes typing easier.

In case you’re wondering, appropriate one-year blogiversary gifts include worldwide fame and tremendous quantities of money. I will also accept cake.

Follow me by email!

For those of you who have been asking (and trust me, the clamor from my tens of fans is constant), it's now possible to get automatic email updates every time I post something new!

It's great for me because now I can invade your personal inbox space over and over again if you make the mistake of inviting me in just once. I'll be like that coworker you talked to at the coffee pot one time when you were avoiding a phone call, and now you can't even go to the bathroom without getting an update on her cat's hemorrhoid treatment.

You can sign up by entering your email in the little box in the sidebar. This application is published by Blogger (the same people who host this whole site and are ultimately part of Google), so you're not giving your contact info to any weird third party. Though you're welcome to send me your checking account number and mother's maiden name if you so desire.

Usage Note: It looks like email is winning out over e-mail as the common form. I'm used to using the hyphen, but now I'm starting to feel outdated, kind of like the former English department secretary at my university who used to write 'phone with an apostrophe to indicate that it was short for telephone.

Frequently Asked Questions

Check it out—I have an FAQ* page now! You can get there from the previous sentence or from the “FAQ” tab at the top of the page. I’m counting it as my post this week because I’m a slacker and didn’t draw anything.

Trivia: People don’t actually ask me questions about this blog. These are questions that I have imagined people asking, though, and my personal paranoia thus makes most of them sound somewhat accusatory. You can think of the responses less as “answers” and more as attempts to justify myself.

Feel free to leave your own questions in the comments. I will try to answer them in at least mildly informative and/or amusing ways.

* Those of you who pronounce it “fak” may now twitch and mentally substitute “a” for “an.” You’re welcome.

E-Mail Alerts

This is just a housekeeping notice--I'll go back to being marginally amusing soon.

I've taken down the E-Mail Alerts gadget in the sidebar because, as far as I could tell, it wasn't working. I ran a few tests and did not receive a single post notification, and I didn't want anyone to think I wasn't posting due to the failings of BlogAlert.

If anyone signed up for this and it actually did function, please let me know. In the meantime, I'll just figure that the service I used was secretly part of a terrorist/extremist/Wal-Mart plot to redirect my negligible web traffic for the purposes of the robot shadow government.